You did your job,
You protected the child.
You’re too good at your job,
I’m not a child anymore.
Continue reading “My Mind is Under New Management | Living with BPD & Bipolar”Tag: recovery
Cruel | Homophobic Trauma Recovery using Buddhism
What a cruel thing to do:
Making love look disgusting.
Something I had to avoid,
At all and every cost.
I refused it,
Just like you told me.
I hated it,
Just like you wanted.
Buried it deep down inside,
Extinguished it within me.
Continue reading “Cruel | Homophobic Trauma Recovery using Buddhism”The Power of a Correct Diagnosis | Living with BPD
Confirming my soul was evil.
A single correct diagnosis?
Freed me from the delusion.
Like flipping a light switch,
My pain had a purpose.
Continue reading “The Power of a Correct Diagnosis | Living with BPD”B is for Business | Cluster B Personality Disorders
Borderline is part of “Cluster B” personality disorders, affectionately known as the “Dominant” or “Control” cluster. This is a short free-write exercise, but does not take my typical poetry format. Instead, think of it as a quick and dirty guide to Cluster Bs in the business world.
Cluster B Personality Disorders: 4 / 10 PDs
- Borderline
- Histrionic
- Narcissistic
- Antisocial
In 2020 USA, Cluster B is disproportionately represented in corporate leadership. Roughly 2-5% of USA adults have a Cluster B personality disorder, while experts estimate 8-12% of CEOs blatantly exhibit all of Cluster B’s traits.
How do symptoms often show up in business leadership?
Continue reading “B is for Business | Cluster B Personality Disorders”Apology to Bisexual Women | Lesbian & Queer Community Issue
[This poem addresses an ongoing issue within queer inter-communities. Straight people: Please read if you are interested, but also realize you won’t have cultural context.]
After my coming out, all the responses from my bisexual friends were incredibly powerful. I felt so much love towards them — but then…guilt? I was confused, why was I feeling guilty? All the memories I had with these bisexual friends were happy ones, not trauma! I meditated about it and immediate free-wrote the below poem.
As a lesbian, I want to make this clear: Historically, our community has not been welcoming to bisexual women. This needs to stop. This needs to stop now.
I cannot ask that you, bisexual women, forgive me for my past. But you deserve an apology.
I love bisexual women. But there was a time when I didn’t.
I was jealous of them.
So I wrote a poem about it. . .
Continue reading “Apology to Bisexual Women | Lesbian & Queer Community Issue”Dear Perfect Mormon | Internalized-Homophobia Poetry Therapy
Dear P,
To be honest,
You scared me.
You were the perfect Mormon example.
You were everything I wanted to be,
Everything I — needed to be.
So I chose to walk behind you,
Hoping you’d show me the way.
Show me how to be a good Mormon,
How to be a good heterosexual girl.
How to be good at all. . .
Continue reading “Dear Perfect Mormon | Internalized-Homophobia Poetry Therapy”Protected: How to Break Psychotic Hallucination | Living with Borderline PD
The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD
Disclaimer: This poem DOES NOT mean you shouldn’t go to therapy! In fact, EVERYONE should go to therapy! However, if you think there is even a SLIGHT chance you have a personality disorder, GO TO AN EXPERT. Not a general therapist. Don’t make the same mistake I made 5 times. It took an expert 6 months to fully diagnose what 5+ years of various forms of therapy couldn’t even guess.
If you are a therapist, please read (or scroll) to the end for signs/clues you should know regarding the 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
When it happens 5 times,
You’re pretty sure it’s reality.
You must just be evil.
You must just be broken.
You must just be worthless.
It isn’t a disorder,
It’s you.
That was the fear.
No, not a fear —
That was the reality.
A reality.
Continue reading “The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD”Gemela & #1 Amiga | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Spanish word meaning: “twin sister”
Dear Gemela,
I love you.
You are like a sister to me.
Not “like” a sister,
My twin sister.
Always on my side,
Against anyone who’s not.
You always have been.
Even since we met,
Since I was a sad,
Angry,
Broken child.
You were the bright light,
The brightness in Utah’s clouds.
Continue reading “Gemela & #1 Amiga | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder”Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship
Disclaimer: This poem addresses how I acted as a 5-10 year old child. If you are one of the people this poem is written for, please do not take this as me asking for you to reach out or forgive me. This is merely an expressive art therapy process in the form of a free-write poem. I have written it “for” you as my formal apology for any psychological trauma I may have caused you during our childhood friendship.
[Author’s Note: This poem was written immediately after a PTSD episode. It is very raw.]
I was not a friend to you.
I should have been.
I did like both of you,
I just liked the games more.
I liked the lies,
The manipulations.
I liked pitting you against each other.
It made me feel powerful,
When I had no other power. . .
Continue reading “Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship”
Mindfully Messy 