Confirming my soul was evil.
A single correct diagnosis?
Freed me from the delusion.
Like flipping a light switch,
My pain had a purpose.
“Probable presence of
A currently unidentified
Personality disorder.”
A simple note from our first meeting,
Answering my immediate question,
“When we met…Did you know?”
He observed me differently than the five,
The psychiatrist who outsmarted Borderline.
He didn’t allow mind games to confuse him,
The specialist who decoded my brain.
Initially, I did not react well to truth,
But that is a poem for another time.
As I struggled with my diagnosis,
My psychiatrist told me a story:
A man and woman were married for 50 years,
The type of marriage where two soulmates find each other.
When his wife died, the elderly man was overcome by grief.
Not the type of grief you escape,
The type that becomes Depression.
After weeks of no improvement, his therapist asked him,
“If you died, instead of your wife,
Would she be grieving like you?”
The man replied affirmative, she would be the same as him.
“Well, since you lived longer,
You have saved her from the pain.”
That reasonable statement changed the man’s entire outlook.
It was not some kind of miracle cure,
The elderly man still battled Depression,
But his symptoms significantly lessened.
He no longer needed treatment,
He had a core truth to cling to.
By holding the pain,
He protected her.
If pain has a purpose, it changes the way we perceive it.
“Borderline Personality Disorder.”
I can fight against something,
Not a battle against myself.
“Combination of a possible biological predisposition,
Repeated homophobic-related psychological trauma,
Rooted to initial trauma before sense of self developed.”
It’s built inside my brain,
Not consuming my soul.
That fact alone,
Changed everything.
Borderline has a cause,
Borderline has a reason,
Borderline has a purpose.
Author’s Note: Mood disorders are completely different experiences than personality disorders, even though some symptoms overlap. The “evil thoughts” were exclusively Borderline symptoms, but since I was told I had Depression and Anxiety, I figured the thoughts had to be my own.
I previously covered how 5 incorrect diagnosis’s further damaged my mental health, so I wanted to write a poem about the specialist who correctly diagnosed me. I went to this psychiatrist because his online profile talked about 30+ years of experience dealing with complex disorders and difficult cases. He only told me after he diagnosed me that one of his main specialities is differentiating between mood disorders and personality disorders.
Please, if you have even the slightest inkling you could have a personality disorder, GO TO A SPECIALIST. Do not go to a general therapist or anyone who does not have a track record of identifying personality disorders. Not all “mental health care professionals” are created equal.
Mindfully Messy 
So powerful!! “If pain has a purpose, it changes the way we perceive it.”
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