Her memory takes hold,
When I never held her.
Magnetism drew us together,
Palpable at first encounter.
Our obstructive accompaniment,
Could never survive either’s journey.
Does nothing for the heart.
Continue reading “When Borderline Meets a Narcissist”
If only I would’ve been stupid,
It would’ve been unable to hide.
If therapists could’ve read my mind,
The diagnosis would’ve been easy.
Those 10 years of decay,
My symptoms were right there,
Finally reached the surface.
I’m not stupid,
But I was lifeless.
Continue reading “I’m Crazy, Not Stupid | Living with BPD”
You did your job,
You protected the child.
You’re too good at your job,
I’m not a child anymore.
Continue reading “My Mind is Under New Management | Living with BPD & Bipolar”
I was misdiagnosed 5 times,
Confirming my soul was evil.
A single correct diagnosis?
Freed me from the delusion.
Like flipping a light switch,
My pain had a purpose.
Continue reading “The Power of a Correct Diagnosis | Living with BPD”
Author’s Note: Terms matter. Words have deeper meanings than letters strung together for a common understanding. Language affects the very way humans perceive the world. That’s why everyone (including myself) should learn a new language vastly different than our native tongues — who knows what we could unlock!
“Dissociative symptoms are common in Borderline Personality Disorder, including memory loss (dissociative amnesia) for certain time periods, events, and people.” [Source]
Memory loss was called:
Reach in somewhere,
Yank it forward.
THAT IS NOT IT.
Continue reading “Not Forgotten, Hidden | 9 BPD Symptoms: Dissociative Amnesia”
Borderline is part of “Cluster B” personality disorders, affectionately known as the “Dominant” or “Control” cluster. This is a short free-write exercise, but does not take my typical poetry format. Instead, think of it as a quick and dirty guide to Cluster Bs in the business world.
Cluster B Personality Disorders: 4 / 10 PDs
In 2020 USA, Cluster B is disproportionately represented in corporate leadership. Roughly 2-5% of USA adults have a Cluster B personality disorder, while experts estimate 8-12% of CEOs blatantly exhibit all of Cluster B’s traits.
How do symptoms often show up in business leadership?
Continue reading “B is for Business | Cluster B Personality Disorders”
“Emotional trauma in childhood was significantly related to auditory* hallucinations.“
Psychotic symptoms, especially hallucinations, seem to be an important feature of BPD. More research on potential mediators and adequate treatment approaches for psychotic symptoms in BPD is needed.” [Source]
I was the Antichrist.
I’m taking it as a sign,
Borderline’s mad at me.
It only lasted a minute or two —
A pretty pathetic delusion, really.
I’m the Antichrist?
Really? That’s the best you got?
Pretty sure this would’ve come up prior,
Prior to the night before I reveal what you are.
Your 20 years plan — up in smoke!
We’re in the final hours here,
Seems pretty desperate if you ask me.
Perhaps Borderline doesn’t like being called out…
Usually you have much better than that,
In your evil, twisted, existence.
I know you do.
Continue reading “How to Break Psychotic Hallucination | Living with Borderline PD”
Disclaimer: This poem DOES NOT mean you shouldn’t go to therapy! In fact, EVERYONE should go to therapy! However, if you think there is even a SLIGHT chance you have a personality disorder, GO TO AN EXPERT. Not a general therapist. Don’t make the same mistake I made 5 times. It took an expert 6 months to fully diagnose what 5+ years of various forms of therapy couldn’t even guess.
If you are a therapist, please read (or scroll) to the end for signs/clues you should know regarding the 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
When it happens 5 times,
You’re pretty sure it’s reality.
You must just be evil.
You must just be broken.
You must just be worthless.
It isn’t a disorder,
That was the fear.
No, not a fear —
That was the reality.
Continue reading “The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD”
Disclaimer: This poem addresses how I acted as a 5-10 year old child. If you are one of the people this poem is written for, please do not take this as me asking for you to reach out or forgive me. This is merely an expressive art therapy process in the form of a free-write poem. I have written it “for” you as my formal apology for any psychological trauma I may have caused you during our childhood friendship.
[Author’s Note: This poem was written immediately after a PTSD episode. It is very raw.]
I was not a friend to you.
I should have been.
I did like both of you,
I just liked the games more.
I liked the lies,
I liked pitting you against each other.
It made me feel powerful,
When I had no other power. . .
Continue reading “Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship”
No actual thoughts in my adolescent diaries,
Only what happened during my day.
All so boring,
What happened at school,
What happened at church,
What happened at work,
What happened at home.
Nothing on my thoughts.
“Your thoughts are normal, no need to keep track.”
Nothing on what I want from life.
“Your life won’t last long, no need to fantasize.”
I don’t care what happened during my day,
I care about what I felt during my day.
But I didn’t write it down,
Writing it down makes it real.