Mental health, Buddhist teachings, and Lesbian poetry I hid in the depths of my soul for 20+ years.
A poem began to form as I fell asleep,
I was too exhausted to write it down,
Instead it ebbed and flowed on by.
Even as unconsciousness took me,
I tried to grasp onto the stanzas,
While they withdrew inside the vault.
Continue reading “No Poem November”Her memory takes hold,
When I never held her.
Magnetism drew us together,
Palpable at first encounter.
Our obstructive accompaniment,
Could never survive either’s journey.
Objectively knowing?
Does nothing for the heart.
Continue reading “When Borderline Meets a Narcissist”Wonder if I truly need them,
Ponder what changes due to them,
Fonder each day passes without them,
Absconder each night staring at them.
Continue reading “Medicated | Living with Bipolar 2”If only I would’ve been stupid,
It would’ve been unable to hide.
If therapists could’ve read my mind,
The diagnosis would’ve been easy.
Those 10 years of decay,
My symptoms were right there,
Finally reached the surface.
I’m not stupid,
But I was lifeless.
Continue reading “I’m Crazy, Not Stupid | Living with BPD”As my teacher explained God’s plan,
I remember these specific thoughts:
“That’s not me, I’m not in Heaven,
Why aren’t two married girls there?”
Prior to my initial homophobic trauma at 4 years old,
I had to have known I was exclusively attracted to girls,
Otherwise it would not have been severely traumatic.
So I must have known prior to it,
Even right before that moment,
But what was the actual feeling?
Continue reading “How I Knew I Was a Lesbian at 4 Years Old”You did your job,
You protected the child.
You’re too good at your job,
I’m not a child anymore.
Continue reading “My Mind is Under New Management | Living with BPD & Bipolar”What a cruel thing to do:
Making love look disgusting.
Something I had to avoid,
At all and every cost.
I refused it,
Just like you told me.
I hated it,
Just like you wanted.
Buried it deep down inside,
Extinguished it within me.
Continue reading “Cruel | Homophobic Trauma Recovery using Buddhism”Confirming my soul was evil.
A single correct diagnosis?
Freed me from the delusion.
Like flipping a light switch,
My pain had a purpose.
Continue reading “The Power of a Correct Diagnosis | Living with BPD”Author’s Note: Terms matter. Words have deeper meanings than letters strung together for a common understanding. Language affects the very way humans perceive the world. That’s why everyone (including myself) should learn a new language vastly different than our native tongues — who knows what we could unlock!
“Dissociative symptoms are common in Borderline Personality Disorder, including memory loss (dissociative amnesia) for certain time periods, events, and people.” [Source]
Memory loss was called:
“Repressed memory.”
Reach in somewhere,
Grab something,
Stuck someplace,
Yank it forward.
THAT IS NOT IT.
Continue reading “Not Forgotten, Hidden | 9 BPD Symptoms: Dissociative Amnesia”[This poem addresses an ongoing issue within queer inter-communities. Straight people: Please read if you are interested, but also realize you won’t have cultural context.]
After my coming out, all the responses from my bisexual friends were incredibly powerful. I felt so much love towards them — but then…guilt? I was confused, why was I feeling guilty? All the memories I had with these bisexual friends were happy ones, not trauma! I meditated about it and immediate free-wrote the below poem.
As a lesbian, I want to make this clear: Historically, our community has not been welcoming to bisexual women. This needs to stop. This needs to stop now.
I cannot ask that you, bisexual women, forgive me for my past. But you deserve an apology.
I love bisexual women. But there was a time when I didn’t.
I was jealous of them.
So I wrote a poem about it. . .
Continue reading “Apology to Bisexual Women | Lesbian & Queer Community Issue”