How to Break Psychotic Hallucination | Living with Borderline PD


“Emotional trauma in childhood was significantly related to auditory* hallucinations.

Psychotic symptoms, especially hallucinations, seem to be an important feature of BPD. More research on potential mediators and adequate treatment approaches for psychotic symptoms in BPD is needed.[Source]

Psychotic symptom,

Moments ago:

I was the Antichrist.

I’m taking it as a sign,

Specifically:

Borderline’s mad at me.

It only lasted a minute or two —

A pretty pathetic delusion, really.

I’m the Antichrist?

Really? That’s the best you got?

Pretty sure this would’ve come up prior,

Prior to the night before I reveal what you are.

Your 20 years plan — up in smoke!

We’re in the final hours here,

Seems pretty desperate if you ask me.

Perhaps Borderline doesn’t like being called out…

Usually you have much better than that,

In your evil, twisted, existence.

I know you do.

Continue reading “How to Break Psychotic Hallucination | Living with Borderline PD”

The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD

Disclaimer: This poem DOES NOT mean you shouldn’t go to therapy! In fact, EVERYONE should go to therapy! However, if you think there is even a SLIGHT chance you have a personality disorder, GO TO AN EXPERT. Not a general therapist. Don’t make the same mistake I made 5 times. It took an expert 6 months to fully diagnose what 5+ years of various forms of therapy couldn’t even guess.

If you are a therapist, please read (or scroll) to the end for signs/clues you should know regarding the 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.


When it happens 5 times,

You’re pretty sure it’s reality.

You must just be evil.

You must just be broken.

You must just be worthless.

It isn’t a disorder,

It’s you.

That was the fear.

No, not a fear —

That was the reality.

A reality. 

Continue reading “The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD”

Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship

Disclaimer: This poem addresses how I acted as a 5-10 year old child. If you are one of the people this poem is written for, please do not take this as me asking for you to reach out or forgive me. This is merely an expressive art therapy process in the form of a free-write poem. I have written it “for” you as my formal apology for any psychological trauma I may have caused you during our childhood friendship.

[Author’s Note: This poem was written immediately after a PTSD episode. It is very raw.]

I was not a friend to you.

I should have been. 

I did like both of you, 

I just liked the games more.


I liked the lies,

The manipulations.

I liked pitting you against each other.

It made me feel powerful,

When I had no other power. . .

Continue reading “Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship”

Don’t Write It Down | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

No actual thoughts in my adolescent diaries,

Only what happened during my day.

All so boring,

So sterile.


What happened at school,

What happened at church,

What happened at work,

What happened at home.


Nothing on my thoughts.

“Your thoughts are normal, no need to keep track.”

Nothing on what I want from life.

“Your life won’t last long, no need to fantasize.”


I don’t care what happened during my day,

I care about what I felt during my day.

But I didn’t write it down,

Writing it down makes it real.

A Poem for My Best Friend | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Ve: Norse name meaning “giver of feeling”

While not a sapphic love,

Ve is a love of the soul,

Of the mind,

And the heart.


One of friendship and radical acceptance, 

We met at very different places.

And yet, I saw my pain reflected.

More than, I saw my love reflected.


Ve’s presence fills you with happiness,

Even when you have none to give back.

Ve’s words fill you with hope,

Even when none seems possible. . .

Continue reading “A Poem for My Best Friend | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder”

Killing My Evil Side: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder Poem

I tried to kill my evil side.


Most times it would evade clutch,

Openly mocking my attempts.


Other times it would allow touch,

Slyly preventing my movements. 


It never stopped

waiting,

watching,

whispering.


I desperately tried to kill my evil side,

While my evil side easily killed me.