How to Break Psychotic Hallucination | Living with Borderline PD


In that minute,

My reality was simple:

I had made a deal with the Devil,

To come to this planet as an evil Dyke,

And make others question the LDS church.

Sounds crazy, right?

You have no idea.

But I think my Borderline’s mad —

Mad that I don’t get caught in the delusions anymore —

How does it feel, Borderline?

Having someone not listen to you?

Get used to it.


For 10 years you hid from me,

Only showing in small clues,

In signs I could only partly see.

For another 10 years you appeared,

But then snuck back when I noticed.

“Wait…what was I just thinking?”

The second I noticed you —

You were gone.

But that’s not the case anymore,

Is it?


You can be much,

Much more convincing.

Yet, each time this week,

Every single time.

Whenever you tried,

I noticed you. . .


You hid behind those walls,

Didn’t you?

Removing those trauma walls,

I can’t believe it —

I truly can’t believe they shed light on you.

Not just my uncovered memories,

But a brand new understanding.


Terminology set me free:

Dissociative

Amnesia

Walls.

NOT

“Repressed

Memory.”

Not something dug deep,

Needing to be retrieved.

No — A physical wall.

Walls built around a memory,

But the memory is still there,

In the same place in your brain.

You just have to break down the wall.


You lost your anonymity:

Borderline

Personality

Disorder.

Because I remembered.

Not just the memories,

I remembered you.

How you made me feel,

What you made me think,

What you wanted me to do.

I remembered you

Your thoughts were different,

They weren’t mine!

I remembered —

So clearly!

20 years —

You hid for 20 years.

But then I found you.


Now I recognize you.

Does that scare you?

Make you feel powerless?

Well, I’m sorry,

But you had 20 years.

20 years to improve our life.

You tried,

But you did not succeed.

Now it’s my turn.

I get 20 years.

Then we’ll compare.


Can you feel it?

You losing your touch?

A bit of your power?

I suppose this happens,

This always happens,

When your pain has a name.

When you finally have a diagnosis,

One that actually makes sense.

That’s the true reality,

Isn’t it?

When he spoke the name,

You knew it was true,

Didn’t you, Borderline?


That could be the end of this poem,

But you’re quite fun to taunt.

To be fair, you shouldn’t be mad —

You’re the one who taught me to do this!

You took a 5 year old,

You told her the world hated her.

You taught me to manipulate,

Never trusting anyone.

But you can’t do that anymore,

Can you?

Are you losing your touch?

I suppose this happens,

This always happens,

When your pain has a name.

Isn’t it, Borderline?


Lately —

All week, actually —

The delusions seem desperate,

Almost like you’re trying to stop me…

Are you concerned about something?

Do you like hiding behind my confusion?

Behind my metaphorical way of describing you?

Behind my therapists’ five misdiagnosis?


But in that minute…

My reality was simple:

I had made a deal with the Devil,

Before being born to my parents.

I’d come to this planet as an evil Dyke,

To make others question the LDS church.

An evil demon.

I think my Borderline’s mad —

Mad that I don’t get caught,

Not in those delusions anymore —

How does it feel, Borderline?

Having someone not listen to you?

Get used to it.


**I do not agree with the “auditory” terminology because BPD is not a “voice in my head.” It is merely a different type of thought. Does that make more sense? Regardless if I agree, “auditory hallucination” is the term for my symptoms in this poem.**

Author’s Note: This poem does not mean that I will always know when Borderline PD is impacting my thoughts, feelings, and concept of reality. It’s 3AM. 6 hours until I publish my LDS Resignation letter. Therefore, this poem is merely a success story when I was thinking about my upcoming “public outing.” Borderline brought a ridiculous reality to worsen the situation. However, I almost immediately broke out of the delusion, instead of being dragged down further into a complete hallucination.

“Of all patients with BPD about 20–50% report psychotic symptoms.” [Source]

I believe the above statistic is due to the stigma about psychotic hallucinations. While understandable (I mean just say those words out loud!), I think it’s important to realize that those hallucinations are not apart of you as a person. It’s merely a Borderline Episode, it is not apart of you. It is frightening, but it will pass. If you feel yourself being pulled in further, try grounding techniques.

My Favorite Grounding Techniques

Water! Seems simple, but easy to forget when you start dissociating. The coldness and “reality” of the water splashing into your mouth is a great way to break an illusion.

Music! My person favorite (I only put water first to appease my psychiatrist) grounding technique is music – specifically, artists who sing about overcoming childhood trauma. Perhaps the comfort in the lyrics help the grounding process more than typical music, but that’s just a guess.

Speak! One of the best ways I can snap out of being pulled into various psychotic delusions is actually speaking to Borderline out loud. Yes, this sounds crazy. But you should try it! It’s actually quite fun. As you say what Borderline is trying to get you to believe out loud you’ll realize how ridiculous it is.

Argue! If saying it out loud isn’t enough to disrupt what you think is happening, try naming things around you. Specific number of chairs in the room or the color of a comfortable blanket. If listing doesn’t do it for you, try actually arguing with Borderline. For example: “Hm, no…I’m pretty sure if my sister hated me, I would’ve known that before this moment.” Basically try to wake yourself up to the fact that your delusional thought/impression/reality isn’t true. Pretend like you’re on a debate team — it’s you against BPD!

Run! Jump! Live! DO SOMETHING! Remind yourself you can feel this world! Engage your sense of touch, your sense of smell, etc. by going outside. Can’t go outside? I like to pace around my room and shake my head a couple times. As I do this I imagine my body is breaking through a still, dense, fog.

Do something with your body so your mind can follow.

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