Cruel | Homophobic Trauma Recovery using Buddhism

What a cruel thing to do:

Making love look disgusting.

Something I had to avoid,

At all and every cost.


I refused it,

Just like you told me.

I hated it,

Just like you wanted.

Buried it deep down inside,

Extinguished it within me.

Continue reading “Cruel | Homophobic Trauma Recovery using Buddhism”

The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD

Disclaimer: This poem DOES NOT mean you shouldn’t go to therapy! In fact, EVERYONE should go to therapy! However, if you think there is even a SLIGHT chance you have a personality disorder, GO TO AN EXPERT. Not a general therapist. Don’t make the same mistake I made 5 times. It took an expert 6 months to fully diagnose what 5+ years of various forms of therapy couldn’t even guess.

If you are a therapist, please read (or scroll) to the end for signs/clues you should know regarding the 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.


When it happens 5 times,

You’re pretty sure it’s reality.

You must just be evil.

You must just be broken.

You must just be worthless.

It isn’t a disorder,

It’s you.

That was the fear.

No, not a fear —

That was the reality.

A reality. 

Continue reading “The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD”

Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship

Disclaimer: This poem addresses how I acted as a 5-10 year old child. If you are one of the people this poem is written for, please do not take this as me asking for you to reach out or forgive me. This is merely an expressive art therapy process in the form of a free-write poem. I have written it “for” you as my formal apology for any psychological trauma I may have caused you during our childhood friendship.

[Author’s Note: This poem was written immediately after a PTSD episode. It is very raw.]

I was not a friend to you.

I should have been. 

I did like both of you, 

I just liked the games more.


I liked the lies,

The manipulations.

I liked pitting you against each other.

It made me feel powerful,

When I had no other power. . .

Continue reading “Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship”

What Could a Young Lesbian Do? | Homophobia Poem

What could I do? 

What could I say?

How could I stop them? 


Tell them we aren’t a threat to them?

We aren’t immoral demons from below?

Explain why they’re taught to hate us?


How could I tell them,

When they wouldn’t hear me? 

How would I tell them,

When I couldn’t breathe?


How could I tell them when they openly mocked my people? 

How could I tell them when they openly debated my rights?

How could I tell them when they openly beat him into submission?


Should I have screamed over their taunting?

Forced myself between them and the Faggot?

So the Dyke can be tortured as well?

Continue reading “What Could a Young Lesbian Do? | Homophobia Poem”

Free-Write to Coax Repressed Memory (Traumatic Dissociation)

I can’t quite reach it

I’m hitting up against a wall

If only it was physical

Not a wall in my mind. . .

Continue reading “Free-Write to Coax Repressed Memory (Traumatic Dissociation)”

Imagine the Blessed Day | Lesbophobia Childhood Trauma

“I’m not getting married”

…to a man was unsaid.


Not imaginable, the day

Nor the flowers, or bouquet


What a day it could be!

Those purest gathered around us,

Sharing the moment two souls join in God.


“What will he look like?”

Why can’t I see him?


“What will he say to you?”

Why can’t I hear him?


“What will his personality be?”

Why can’t I imagine him?


“Imagine the blessed day,

your wedding day,

an eternal husband awaits.”

Why can’t I breathe?