What a cruel thing to do:
Making love look disgusting.
Something I had to avoid,
At all and every cost.
I refused it,
Just like you told me.
I hated it,
Just like you wanted.
Buried it deep down inside,
Extinguished it within me.
Whenever it appeared I would strangle it,
Extensive therapy before I could allow it.
Quite a cruel thing to do,
Perverting a pure feeling in a nearly impenetrable way.
Now that I remember the root cause of my refused feelings,
You can’t keep convincing me the emotions shouldn’t exist.
They were always here,
Long before your hatred and disgust.
Here they will remain,
Long after we are but ashes and dust.
“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”
That is not our true ending,
A step of spiritual growth.
Beginning of the next rebirth.
Perhaps ending my soul’s cycle,
With enlightenment achieved?
The end of dukkha — at last?
Ending all forms of suffering.
I may not reach enlightenment in this life,
Perhaps not in this life or even the next.
Not a sorrowful thought,
But one of acceptance,
A perfect timing of all.
Escaping dukkha is an eightfold process,
And I have taken a significant step.
Author’s Note: Buddhism is imperative to my trauma recovery journey. My experiences consist of long-term homophobia-related psychological trauma. The acceptance and peace Buddhist meditation offers me is unmatched.
If you have never spoken with a Buddhist monk/nun, I highly recommend it. I’m not trying to “convert” you to Buddhism, but many Westerners are misinformed on meditation and other Buddhist practices. If you wish to practice meditation in a secular way, I advise you to first learn about the original version.