Ve: Norse name meaning “giver of feeling”
While not a sapphic love,
Ve is a love of the soul,
Of the mind,
And the heart.
One of friendship and radical acceptance,
We met at very different places.
And yet, I saw my pain reflected.
More than, I saw my love reflected.
Ve’s presence fills you with happiness,
Even when you have none to give back.
Ve’s words fill you with hope,
Even when none seems possible. . .
“You know you’re a lesbian, right?”
“What? I’m bisexual,
I told you that.”
“You don’t like boys.
You never talk about boys.
When you have a crush on a girl,
Your whole face lights up.”
“I mean, I am attracted to girls
…more. I’m 80/20 bisexual!”
I can’t believe it,
She saw right through me!
She secretly thinks I’m gross…
…she’ll be awkward around me now.
…she’ll leave me the first chance she gets.
“Britta, I need you to tell me the truth…”
“Do you think my boobs look bigger this week?”
“She’s hot Britta, go talk to her!”
“She’s staring right at you.”
“She…I-I don’t want to.”
Where’s a decent looking guy when you need one?
Ve must hate me.
Why does she smile at me?
Where is the disgust in her eyes?
Resisted accusations, but not believed.
Could it actually be,
Ve still loves me?
Author’s Note: Text in quotes was pulled from my Notes app, where I would write down the conversation minutes after they occurred. “Ve” was always fine with me recording our talks without knowing why I did it, we even joke about it!
If you are not familiar with Borderline PD, in official clinical words this is what was happening: “Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, particularly when no real threat exists. When potential abandonment is perceived, whether real or imagined, subject experiences extreme emotions.”
In simpler terms, my incessant need to record any positive conversation I had with Ve regarding sexuality, Buddhism, etc. was a coping mechanism for Borderline PD symptoms. To avoid feelings of distrust and fear of abandonment towards Ve, I needed to provide constant reminders of her love and loyalty to me. I recorded our conversations any time I experienced feelings of belonging and true understanding.
As anyone with Borderline knows, your love and devotion to a close friend does not prevent the delusional thoughts and feelings from appearing. Whenever irrational fears of Ve abandoning me, betraying me, and/or being disgusting by me would appear, I’d read over my Notes app. These BPD triggers root back to childhood traumas of being taught same-sex attraction was immoral and disgusting. The childhood fear was my family would one day “abandon” me for Heaven. This probably also ties to my Bipolar Depression, since Bipolar often interact with BPD’s triggers.