The Power of a Correct Diagnosis | Living with BPD


I was misdiagnosed 5 times,

Confirming my soul was evil.

A single correct diagnosis?

Freed me from the delusion.

Like flipping a light switch,

My pain had a purpose.

Continue reading “The Power of a Correct Diagnosis | Living with BPD”

Not Forgotten, Hidden | 9 BPD Symptoms: Dissociative Amnesia

Author’s Note: Terms matter. Words have deeper meanings than letters strung together for a common understanding. Language affects the very way humans perceive the world. That’s why everyone (including myself) should learn a new language vastly different than our native tongues — who knows what we could unlock!

“Dissociative symptoms are common in Borderline Personality Disorder, including memory loss (dissociative amnesia) for certain time periods, events, and people.” [Source]


Memory loss was called:

“Repressed memory.”

Reach in somewhere,

Grab something,

Stuck someplace,

Yank it forward.

THAT IS NOT IT.

Continue reading “Not Forgotten, Hidden | 9 BPD Symptoms: Dissociative Amnesia”

Power of Friendship Poem | Farewell Oregon

My friendships made me feel love,

When I didn’t allow romance.

My friendships kept me warm,

When all I could feel was cold.

Without real friendship,

Without platonic love,

I wouldn’t be alive.

Continue reading “Power of Friendship Poem | Farewell Oregon”

Content | Living with Bipolar Disorder

I forgot how this feels:

Content

The absence of external stimuli,

Coupled with a lack of internal.

And yet?

Not surrounded by misery,

Not consumed by fatigue,

Not drowned by disinterest.

Instead?

Continue reading “Content | Living with Bipolar Disorder”

The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD

Disclaimer: This poem DOES NOT mean you shouldn’t go to therapy! In fact, EVERYONE should go to therapy! However, if you think there is even a SLIGHT chance you have a personality disorder, GO TO AN EXPERT. Not a general therapist. Don’t make the same mistake I made 5 times. It took an expert 6 months to fully diagnose what 5+ years of various forms of therapy couldn’t even guess.

If you are a therapist, please read (or scroll) to the end for signs/clues you should know regarding the 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.


When it happens 5 times,

You’re pretty sure it’s reality.

You must just be evil.

You must just be broken.

You must just be worthless.

It isn’t a disorder,

It’s you.

That was the fear.

No, not a fear —

That was the reality.

A reality. 

Continue reading “The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD”

Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship

Disclaimer: This poem addresses how I acted as a 5-10 year old child. If you are one of the people this poem is written for, please do not take this as me asking for you to reach out or forgive me. This is merely an expressive art therapy process in the form of a free-write poem. I have written it “for” you as my formal apology for any psychological trauma I may have caused you during our childhood friendship.

[Author’s Note: This poem was written immediately after a PTSD episode. It is very raw.]

I was not a friend to you.

I should have been. 

I did like both of you, 

I just liked the games more.


I liked the lies,

The manipulations.

I liked pitting you against each other.

It made me feel powerful,

When I had no other power. . .

Continue reading “Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship”

If you want to know me, read my poetry

I could write a million stanzas,

And still not convey what I mean.


“If you want to know me,

Read my poetry.”

Is that it? Is that all? 

Do you know me now?

Perhaps you know me as much as you can,

From a one-sided conversation.


What’s the point of it, then?

Of poetry, or the written word at all?

When it’s one person speaking,

And another one listening along?


Is that a human connection?

One person listens to another.

Is that the reason we write?

Or is it just the start?

A Poem for My Best Friend | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Ve: Norse name meaning “giver of feeling”

While not a sapphic love,

Ve is a love of the soul,

Of the mind,

And the heart.


One of friendship and radical acceptance, 

We met at very different places.

And yet, I saw my pain reflected.

More than, I saw my love reflected.


Ve’s presence fills you with happiness,

Even when you have none to give back.

Ve’s words fill you with hope,

Even when none seems possible. . .

Continue reading “A Poem for My Best Friend | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder”

Theirs & Hers

[Alternative Title: I wish there was a plural male pronoun.]


Their lips were different than hers.


All lips had the same eagerness and desire,

Except mine when they didn’t meet hers.


Her lips were different than theirs.


She met me where I was,

Not devouring past the moment.


After her lips,

Their lips were distant memories.


More Lesbian Poetry:

How I Knew I Was a Lesbian at 4 Years Old

Femme vs. Butch | Internalized Homophobia