The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD

Disclaimer: This poem DOES NOT mean you shouldn’t go to therapy! In fact, EVERYONE should go to therapy! However, if you think there is even a SLIGHT chance you have a personality disorder, GO TO AN EXPERT. Not a general therapist. Don’t make the same mistake I made 5 times. It took an expert 6 months to fully diagnose what 5+ years of various forms of therapy couldn’t even guess.

If you are a therapist, please read (or scroll) to the end for signs/clues you should know regarding the 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.


When it happens 5 times,

You’re pretty sure it’s reality.

You must just be evil.

You must just be broken.

You must just be worthless.

It isn’t a disorder,

It’s you.

That was the fear.

No, not a fear —

That was the reality.

A reality. 

Continue reading “The 5th Time I Was Misdiagnosed | Living with BPD”

My College Freshman Crush | 9 BPD Symptoms: Idolization & Devaluation


Brand new to adulthood.

Brand new to college.

Brand new to bisexuality.*

When you caught my eye,

I was not looking for friendship.

I remember feeling startled —

You took my breath away.

So I left my new roommate,

And I follow you to the elevator…

You laughed at something dumb I said.

Did you realize you had a grip on me?

You held the power in our friendship?

Congrats Z — you were the first,

The one & only,

Close friend I ever fell for.

To be fair to my poor lesbian heart,

You were exactly my type,

And I never wanted friendship.

Continue reading “My College Freshman Crush | 9 BPD Symptoms: Idolization & Devaluation”

Gemela & #1 Amiga | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Spanish word meaning: “twin sister”

Dear Gemela,

I love you.

You are like a sister to me.

Not “like” a sister,

My twin sister.

Always on my side,

Against anyone who’s not.

You always have been.

Even since we met,

Since I was a sad,

Angry,

Broken child.

You were the bright light,

The brightness in Utah’s clouds.

Continue reading “Gemela & #1 Amiga | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder”

Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship

Disclaimer: This poem addresses how I acted as a 5-10 year old child. If you are one of the people this poem is written for, please do not take this as me asking for you to reach out or forgive me. This is merely an expressive art therapy process in the form of a free-write poem. I have written it “for” you as my formal apology for any psychological trauma I may have caused you during our childhood friendship.

[Author’s Note: This poem was written immediately after a PTSD episode. It is very raw.]

I was not a friend to you.

I should have been. 

I did like both of you, 

I just liked the games more.


I liked the lies,

The manipulations.

I liked pitting you against each other.

It made me feel powerful,

When I had no other power. . .

Continue reading “Apology Poem for F* & T* | BPD Early Signs: Toxic Friendship”

What Could a Young Lesbian Do? | Homophobia Poem

What could I do? 

What could I say?

How could I stop them? 


Tell them we aren’t a threat to them?

We aren’t immoral demons from below?

Explain why they’re taught to hate us?


How could I tell them,

When they wouldn’t hear me? 

How would I tell them,

When I couldn’t breathe?


How could I tell them when they openly mocked my people? 

How could I tell them when they openly debated my rights?

How could I tell them when they openly beat him into submission?


Should I have screamed over their taunting?

Forced myself between them and the Faggot?

So the Dyke can be tortured as well?

Continue reading “What Could a Young Lesbian Do? | Homophobia Poem”

If you want to know me, read my poetry

I could write a million stanzas,

And still not convey what I mean.


“If you want to know me,

Read my poetry.”

Is that it? Is that all? 

Do you know me now?

Perhaps you know me as much as you can,

From a one-sided conversation.


What’s the point of it, then?

Of poetry, or the written word at all?

When it’s one person speaking,

And another one listening along?


Is that a human connection?

One person listens to another.

Is that the reason we write?

Or is it just the start?

Is Buddhism Right for You? | Beginner’s Guide to Buddhism

Disclaimer: My goal is not to convince you of anything you do not already know deep inside your soul. My “Buddhism for Dummies” series is meant to shed light on Buddhist beliefs in an easy-to-understand way. You can decide for yourself if it rings true to you.

Do you believe in Buddhism? Have been taught about it from a Buddhist monk and/or nun? Or has your version of Buddhism been through a bastardized Western lens? What I like to call, “viewing Buddha with rose-colored glasses.” This isn’t meant to be insulting, it’s just so happens that Buddha’s teachings were historically greatly misunderstood when they were first introduced to the Western world. It’s been an uphill battle ever since.

GOOD NEWS: There’s no reason to continue being misinformed. Buddhism, like all organized religions, has specific beliefs and steps to become an actual practicing Buddhist. You can believe in parts of Buddhism or even call yourself a Buddhist if you’d like, but to experience the full benefits and actually be a “practicing Buddhist,” you must follow the specific teachings.

Check out a combination of my steps and the ones my Buddhist teachers have taught me about pondering if Buddhism is your truth. . .

Continue reading “Is Buddhism Right for You? | Beginner’s Guide to Buddhism”

Don’t Write It Down | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

No actual thoughts in my adolescent diaries,

Only what happened during my day.

All so boring,

So sterile.


What happened at school,

What happened at church,

What happened at work,

What happened at home.


Nothing on my thoughts.

“Your thoughts are normal, no need to keep track.”

Nothing on what I want from life.

“Your life won’t last long, no need to fantasize.”


I don’t care what happened during my day,

I care about what I felt during my day.

But I didn’t write it down,

Writing it down makes it real.

A Poem for My Best Friend | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Ve: Norse name meaning “giver of feeling”

While not a sapphic love,

Ve is a love of the soul,

Of the mind,

And the heart.


One of friendship and radical acceptance, 

We met at very different places.

And yet, I saw my pain reflected.

More than, I saw my love reflected.


Ve’s presence fills you with happiness,

Even when you have none to give back.

Ve’s words fill you with hope,

Even when none seems possible. . .

Continue reading “A Poem for My Best Friend | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder”